The Spy Who Didn’t Love Me: Who is the worst James Bond to date?

worst-james-bond-actors-to-date

You know the drill by now. Black tuxedo, focussed stare and silenced Walther PPK gripped firmly in the fist – ready for action. But the nonstop life of secret agent 007 means that James Bond has picked up some, shall we say, problematic character traits over the years – mostly drinking, seducing female spies and enemies, and killing anyone who gets in his way.

Ahead of the release of the 25th James Bond film, No Time To Die, all these bad habits got us thinking. Whilst Bond’s hedonistic antics make for great viewing and lustful eyes, he is far from the perfect partner. With so many red flags, you could turn it into bunting, we looked at data from films in the Bond franchise and asked the question: who would be the worst James Bond to date?

We took it upon ourselves to analyse all the current 24 James Bond films to see which is the 007 you most want to avoid on the dating scene. Compiling data from the films, the research looked at the number of drinks drunk and number of kills by each actor, along with how many different love interests and how many different sexual partners they had. We then cross referenced with the combined running times for the films each actor had played Bond to see how many acts of bad behaviour were committed per minute.

Bond’s blasé attitude to womanising has been consistent throughout the franchise and was even alluded to in the original novels by Ian Fleming. When asked what on earth he was doing getting frisky in a space-age marine capsule, during the ending of 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me, Roger Moore’s Bond quipped: ‘Keeping British end up, sir’ – as he turns away from a moment of passion with sultry Anya Amasova (a.k.a. Agent XXX). Making love to three different female characters in the 1977 hit alone, Roger Moore’s Bond was in fact the most sexually charged secret agent, with a total of 19 sex scenes with different lovers during his stint.

Moore harm than good?

Faithfulness proves to be a weak point for the earlier Bonds. Maybe it was down to the more progressive and lax attitude of the seventies, maybe it was Moore’s ‘third time’s a charm’ as he loosened up into the swing of the 007 role in his third film, either way Mr Moore could well be one of the worst Bond’s to date, proving to be the most unfaithful of the bunch. If you were to take an approach similar to Alan Partridge’s infamous ‘Bond-a-thon’, and watch all of Moore’s Bond films back-to-back, averaging out the time, you’d see him climb into bed with a woman once every 46 minutes 37 seconds.

Following on from Moore’s regular sexual encounters with different women, is lesser-known Bond actor, George Lazenby, with the Australian’s version sleeping with a different partner every 47 minutes 20 seconds. Lazenby may have secured himself as one of the sleaziest Bond’s to date, with his fickle sexual nature even more shocking considering he appeared in only one Bond movie. Whilst he was the only 007 to be married in a film, this didn’t stop him sleeping with three women in the 142-minute 1969 film.

Table of Bond’s sexual encounters in films:

Rank
Actor
Different sexual partner every (mins) on average
Total number of different sexual partners across all films
1
Roger Moore
46.37
19
2
George Lazenby
47.20
3
3
Sean Connery
54
13
4
Pierce Brosnan
56.20
9
5
Timothy Dalton
66
4
6
Daniel Craig
90.10
6

In third, original agent Sean Connery was similarly quick to change partner. His sex life featured 13 different women, averaging 54 minutes per sexual encounter across all six of his films. In fourth position is Pierce Brosnan with nine different partners encountered every 56 minutes 20 seconds in his stint as Bond.

Timothy Dalton’s rendezvous with four different women happens every 66 minutes, while Daniel Craig’s sex life appears relatively reserved in comparison. Craig has six partners, happening every 90 minutes 10 seconds. Unlike many of his counterparts, who are seen to treat their string of women as sexual conquests, Craig falls in love with two of the women featured.

On a perhaps more innocent path, but promiscuous nonetheless, the special agent with the most different love interests, is again, Moore, with 19 lovers. The order continues in much the same vein as the above sex scene tally, with Connery coming in second with 16, Brosnan with 10, Craig with eight, Dalton with four and Lazenby with three

Bond’s growing body count

Things take a turn for the worse when we remember how much of a violent and dangerous man James Bond truly is. Whilst he may have shown promise with a more subdued level of womanising, the bloodiest Bond film was Spectre, with a kill count of 235; this puts current Blonde Bond, Craig, in at first place as the agent with the most kills per total running time, with a kill coming every 1 minute 56 seconds and a total of 279.

Brosnan takes second place with a kill, on average, every 4 minutes 42 seconds (108 kills in total), followed closely by Moore with a kill every 7 minutes 19 (121). Connery lands in at fourth place with a 10 minute 19 seconds kill average (68), and Dalton next on 13 minutes 12 seconds (20), leaving solo shooter Lazenby in last place with 23 minutes 40 seconds, just six kills across the 142 minutes of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

Table of Bond’s kills in films:

Rank
Actor
Average number of kills every (mins)
Total number of kills
1
Daniel Craig
1.56
279
2
Pierce Brosnan
4.42
108
3
Roger Moore
7.19
121
4
Sean Connery
10.19
68
5
Timothy Dalton
13.12
20
6
George Lazenby
23.40
6

Licence to swill

As we entered the 21st Century and the cocktail-filled, velvety arena of 2006’s Casino Royale, the shaken-not-stirred Martinis began to flow a lot more liberally. Whilst it’s easy for us viewers to excuse the excessive drinking in such a glamourous setting, the reality of Bond’s boozing would certainly come as a shock to most potential dates.

It’s no surprise that Casino Royale’s leading man, Craig, is the booziest Bond with 31 drinks across just four films, an average of a drink every 17 minutes 27 seconds. But that’s not quite the schippin’ skills we see from the badly behaved Connery, who saw it that 34 drinks were sent down the hatch in the early Bond years. Next up in third place for most drinks consumed per running time is Lazenby (6 drinks) with 23 minutes 40 seconds, Moore (27) in 32 minutes 48 seconds, followed by Brosnan (15) in 33 minutes 48 seconds and Dalton (7) 37 minutes 42 seconds.

Table of Bond’s most drinks:

Rank
Actor
Average number of alcoholic drinks every (mins)
Total number of alcoholic drinks
1
Daniel Craig
17.27
31
2
Sean Connery
20.38
34
3
George Lazenby
23.40
6
4
Roger Moore
32.48
27
5
Pierce Brosnan
33.48
15
6
Timothy Dalton
37.42
7

A Bond you should break with

So, who is the worst James Bond to date? We’ve seen Roger Moore ‘do it more’, Daniel Craig knock back the drinks a little too easily, and all sorts of devious behaviour from the usual suspects in-between.

Overall, looking at the number of acts committed per screen time, Craig is the worst-behaved Bond per minute, who does something bad once every 1 minutes and 40 seconds – that’s a kill every 1 minute and 56 seconds, a sexual encounter every 90 minutes and 10 seconds, a different love interest every 67 minutes and 37 seconds, and a drink every 17 minutes and 27 seconds. One to steer clear of we think.

Rank
Actor
Does something bad every (mins)
Total number of alcoholic drinks
Total number of different sexual partners
Total number of different love interests
Total number of kills by Bond
Total movie running time (mins)
1
Daniel Craig
1.40
31
6
8
279
541
2
Pierce Brosnan
3.34
15
9
10
108
507
3
Roger Moore
4.45
27
19
19
121
886
4
Sean Connery
5.21
34
13
16
68
702
5
Timothy Dalton
7.45
7
4
4
20
264
6
George Lazenby
7.53
6
3
3
6
142

Carole Ann Rice, relationship expert and life coach at RealCoachingCo.com, said: “We’re all aware that nobody is perfect and so we want to give our dates the benefit of the doubt, letting things pass because we don’t properly know them yet. However, there should be a three-strike rule with red flags.

“At this point, the behaviour is no longer a coincidence, and you have to decide if it’s something you are willing to tolerate long-term. Often, these things are like a small stone stuck in your shoe. You may not feel it at first but eventually you won’t be able to live with it, and so you have to learn to understand your own boundaries in order to identify red flags before you pursue someone.

“If you are concerned that a friend of family member may be in a toxic relationship, there are a few warning signs to look out for. They may look sad and begin to isolate themselves from friends, they may have low self-esteem and change themselves to fit their partner’s needs.

“In contrast, they may dominate the conversation with their partner’s latest escapades. In which case, ask them if this relationship and its drama is fun and if they really want to be feeling this way.”

Who do your friends think is the worst James Bond to date?

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List of James Bond films and actors

List of james bond actors and movies in order

Methodology:

The study uses data from all 24 of the EON productions films, not including the 1967 spoof Casino Royale or the unofficial 1983 movie Never Say Never Again.

The research looks at the number of alcoholic drinks drunk and number of kills by each actor, as well as how many different love interests and how many different sexual partners they had. Data for the number of kills by Bond were found here: https://screenrant.com/james-bond-movies-007-kill-count-how-many/ with data for the number of alcoholic drinks, different sexual partners and love interests collected while watching the current films.

As each actor has varying lengths of screentime and numbers of films, the total screentime of each actor and totals were used to calculate the average time in which he does something deemed bad behaviour in a relationship – violence (kills), unfaithful traits (different sexual partners and different love interests) and alcohol misuse (drinking an alcoholic beverage).

 

This Article also appeared in The Express

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